Hash Hell kicked off with the Bulldog Boozers on a Thursday night. Arriving in Songtan we finally found some chalk after heading out the incorrect exit. We arrived a half-an hour late to the Bulldog pub, but the pack was still there. We got our Hash Hell patches and were informed it was an A to B trail. So we grabbed our bags and the pack was away.
– Surprisingly no one was in a rush, everyone seemed to be taking their time and walking. A short trail later and another bar. We drank, we sang and new hares led us to another bar. Each leg was marked by new hares, so everyone got their turn. After doing this a few times we arrived at our 5th and final bar. Before being welcomed into the pack we had to satisfy a few requirements. I don’t remember all the requirements, but all the virgins got new names that had to do with a bull, a dog, or a bulldog. Some of the names were Labrador Retrieve-her, Dogs Asshole, Cunt of the Litter and SojuShitzu, we also sang Piano Man. After Circle was over we made our way back to the Lions Den bar for the On-After. We got introduced to a new tradition here, becoming a Booze Hound. The goal is to drink a large amount of beer in a short amount of time and keep it down. Many tried only a few succeeded.
Friday night, aka the 2nd circle of hell, was NQR. We arrived at the meeting place late again. I was asked to prove my loyalty to the hash by chanting “NQR is the Mother Hash”. Shortly after there was some talk about noise complaints as the police rolled into the parking lot. Immediately the pack was away, and it became an A to B run. Everyone quickly threw their bags into a car and took off into the night. Danger Can was a thing that night, and we even got to see some interesting “barber” shops. I heard someone refer to it as the Pink Light District. We came to our starting point, and the hares starting using a new mark to avoid confusion leading us to point B. During circle we learned that the Bag car had a police escort. See!! even the police love hashers!
Saturday started with the 3rd Circle of Hell, hosted by the Yongsan Kimchi H3: the Revenge of the Daewoo Buss (just like that one over there). We had many, many new faces in attendance. So many virgins to sacrifice to Dick. Kitchen is Code walked us through chalk-talk and we had a guest story teller tell us about Roadkill. Soon after the pack was away. I was taking it easy and walked the trail with a few others. We saw many dilapidated shanties, and some “Free Chalk”. We soon came upon an A and D split. I split off from the group seeking the adventure that the A trail would give me. I strolled through a whole neighborhood of condemned or abandoned houses. Shortly after catching up to the other that went on the D trail, we heard a Corndog coming up behind us complaining about never wanting to be late again. After everyone made it back, circle was completed and we had a very happy Dick. The visiting Hashers from Japan called DHP up on stage and sang a few verses of “Old McHasher.” Turns out he had a whale as they all sprayed him down with beer from their blowholes.
The 4th circle required the Harriettes and Harriers to split off for a while. The Seoul H3 run started with a little pep talk from the Hares about the trail and what to expect. They mentioned something about having a spare set of shoes and a flashlight. Many of us were unprepared. The pack was released and we darted across a small patch of grass into a tunnel that truly descended into hell. As the light slowly faded the water got deeper. Soon there was no light to assist, and only splashing all around. A Chem-Light here and there assisted very little. That’s when it dawned on me to use the flashlight app on my phone. Soon others were flocking to me like moths to a flame (if only this worked at a bar!!). We ran together until the light at the end of the tunnel could be seen. We emerged from the tunnel and got back on dry ground. The trail took us through lots of different terrain ranging from deep forest to an industrial park. Back at the starting point there was a keg, and some delicious hearty food. I’m thankful I wasn’t the last one back as I got to see some of the others roll in. Most notably was Ack Ack. He appeared wearing some kind of black mesh road warrior ensemble. He claimed he was trying to fashion it into a shirt. We all got our chance to stand in front of the group and tell a story or joke or anything really. I still can’t get “Up in the air junior birdman” out of my head.
-The 5th Circle was the ladies only SPMS, I was not in attendance. Maybe some of the ladies would care to chime in on the comments section and fill us in on what Hell was like for you?
Entering the 6th circle of hell, Southside and H5. As the pack started to get restless about the beer situation the Hash Hooch did not disappoint. We gathered up and introduced the virgins to Southside. (SOUTHSIDE!) The pack was away and we needed more beer. Let it Blow , Erection Notice and I headed to Osan for a beer run. We took our time, even ate at Charley’s in the Food Court. Once finished we hit the store and the lady behind the counter wasn’t sure why I was buying all that beer and Boxes of wine. I assured her that it was all for me, and rolled out. We arrived back at Circle to notice it had moved because of the rain. Apparently, hashers melt in the rain… Stories about the trail were told and apparently Mmm Bop was trying to imitate his favorite movie, Predator, on trail as he tried to blend into the wilderness. The virgins entertained us with one of the largest and busiest interpretative dances I’ve ever seen. The theme I believe was pedophiles at a children’s playground? Timberballs called up Let it Blow and serenated him with a hash appropriate version of the Frozen song we all know and love (even the english teachers were able to tolerate it when sung like this). Shortly after, the police started driving by more frequently, and eventually got out and walked over to us. C3PeeHoles played some bagpipes for the last few minutes we were allowed to stay there.
On the 7th and final circle of Hash Hell Weekend, OsanBulgogi, and Poofters. I was called up the virgin line and was handed a banana (a real banana, you sickos!). I was told to hold on to said banana, and that it was fair game for anyone to attempt to steal, and attempt they did. LierLier was off in short order to lay the trail, before long he was already back at the Lions Den. Away we went, on one of the shortest trails, I think, ever. Once around the block and we were back. First trail complete. Next trail was the poofter run, and DPH was away. We soon followed after, leading us through the streets. He was kind enough to lay a checkpoint next to his apartment, and some of the pack decided to go make it a Beer Check. Up they went to his apartment. Soon after we were entering narrow alleys and around a rice paddy. Along the way there was some Free Shit. Up and around some buildings and into the shaggy we went. Toilet paper was our true trail markers. As the LRB’s returned to the Lion’s Den they had gathered a nice supply of trail treasure. A pink flamingo, Harry Potter found her Nimbus 2000 and a few other assorted goodies. We were called up and asked if we still had out bananas. We were then asked to eat them off of some rather interesting unsanitary places. All of the banana wielders were good sports about the whole thing and it was a great time. Circle was getting close to the longest one in history as it went on for a few hours.
It was a great weekend, exhausting though. I don’t want to do anything like that anytime soon, but I’m looking forward to the next one. If you were able to make any of the Circles from the Hash Hell weekend you know what I mean. I’m off to take a coma.
-Black Cock Down